My thoughts as I read, lets begin!
- confusing phrase; "composed of animal parts." not just animal, but also dead and reanimated human. i feel that's a useful distinction?
- "These two tales introduce the same concept of post-human beings going through trauma, but display different responses to said trauma from normal human characters" intriguing thesis, I like it! "the more a post-human being succeeds to look like a normal human, the greater the chance of other humans empathizing with the being and tending to its traumatic experience." <-- this is a super interesting observation.
- quick note; I like how straightforward your introductions of each of the theory pieces was, but it turned out a bit clunky. Try inputting some kind of transitional phrase or explanation between Olsen and Mori..?
- First Frankenstein quote (Shelley 42) is a bit of a long chunk. Consider splitting it up into only its most necessary pieces, or paraphrasing sections.
- "Mary Shelley also says that..." state who the narrator at the moment is, not the author. "Victor Frankenstein also says that..."
- "Victor is unable to feel empathy for its traumatic life." I think you need to spend a bit more time on the Creature's trauma and peoples' specific reactions to it. We get that he's a nasty looking lad, but sprinkle some of his tragedy in there. Try to slip in some minor plot summary to bring context to the quotes, also.
- "most likely of Middle Eastern and Asian descent" is this a necessary distinction for your point?
- "feels attracted to him (not sexually)" this made me laugh a bit, but I'm not sure if you meant it to. Pugh is explicitly sexually attracted to the female clones, which could be something you were referring to, but an easier was to say this would be "Pugh finds Kaph aesthetically appealling" or "platonically attractive" or "one pretty looking guy," i dunno. Putting the "not sexually" in parentheses makes it feel like a rather desperate footnote
- The quotes after "According to Le Guin:" could be more effectively placed after the explanation "When John Kaph Chow...due to the unique bond they shared."
OVERALL: I like the combo of theory and fiction; it is something Olsen didn't elaborate enough on in her paper, how the people around the posthuman reacted to the manifestations of their traumas, and I think using the uncanny valley as an explanation is excellent. I think my overall notes are reign in your quotations a bit, keep an eye on your tenses within said quotations (do not fear brackets, they are an essayists best friend!), and elaborate a bit more about Mori's theory throughout the body paragraphs :D
- confusing phrase; "composed of animal parts." not just animal, but also dead and reanimated human. i feel that's a useful distinction?
- "These two tales introduce the same concept of post-human beings going through trauma, but display different responses to said trauma from normal human characters" intriguing thesis, I like it! "the more a post-human being succeeds to look like a normal human, the greater the chance of other humans empathizing with the being and tending to its traumatic experience." <-- this is a super interesting observation.
- quick note; I like how straightforward your introductions of each of the theory pieces was, but it turned out a bit clunky. Try inputting some kind of transitional phrase or explanation between Olsen and Mori..?
- First Frankenstein quote (Shelley 42) is a bit of a long chunk. Consider splitting it up into only its most necessary pieces, or paraphrasing sections.
- "Mary Shelley also says that..." state who the narrator at the moment is, not the author. "Victor Frankenstein also says that..."
- "Victor is unable to feel empathy for its traumatic life." I think you need to spend a bit more time on the Creature's trauma and peoples' specific reactions to it. We get that he's a nasty looking lad, but sprinkle some of his tragedy in there. Try to slip in some minor plot summary to bring context to the quotes, also.
- "most likely of Middle Eastern and Asian descent" is this a necessary distinction for your point?
- "feels attracted to him (not sexually)" this made me laugh a bit, but I'm not sure if you meant it to. Pugh is explicitly sexually attracted to the female clones, which could be something you were referring to, but an easier was to say this would be "Pugh finds Kaph aesthetically appealling" or "platonically attractive" or "one pretty looking guy," i dunno. Putting the "not sexually" in parentheses makes it feel like a rather desperate footnote
- The quotes after "According to Le Guin:" could be more effectively placed after the explanation "When John Kaph Chow...due to the unique bond they shared."
OVERALL: I like the combo of theory and fiction; it is something Olsen didn't elaborate enough on in her paper, how the people around the posthuman reacted to the manifestations of their traumas, and I think using the uncanny valley as an explanation is excellent. I think my overall notes are reign in your quotations a bit, keep an eye on your tenses within said quotations (do not fear brackets, they are an essayists best friend!), and elaborate a bit more about Mori's theory throughout the body paragraphs :D